There can be a strong temptation for some of us to try to rescue each other from our problems. This attempt often backfires and creates resentments in our closest relationships. Circles USA warns volunteers about the Drama Triangle, also known as the Rescuer Triangle.

In his book A Game Free Life (karpmandramatriangle.com), psychotherapist Dr. Stephen Karpman explains the roles and interaction of the Drama Triangle:

Persecutor: Appears controlling, critical, angry, authoritative, rigid, superior.

Rescuer: Needs to be needed. Enables others to remain dependent and gives them permission to fail; rescuing helps rescuers avoid facing their own issues.

Victim: Appears oppressed, helpless, powerless, ashamed—finding it difficult to make decisions or solve problems.

As friends, we are vulnerable to being lured into the Drama Triangle frequently. How do we know we are in it?

• We criticize, blame, and do our best to make someone else wrong—assigning fault.
• We feel we don’t have viable options or the ability to negotiate to get what we want.
• We rush to fix something so that someone else feels better.

As Americans, we tend to be indirect in our communications, taking a more passive-aggressive approach when we are not getting what we want. In Circles USA, however, we encourage everyone to learn how to steer clear of the drama triangle and simply ask for what they want or need, knowing that if the other person can’t give it to us, we have other options for meeting our needs and wants.

As a leader, I receive occasional invitations from people to jump on the Drama Triangle with them. It typically starts with someone’s feelings of disappointment, the subtext being “you are not doing what I want you to be doing, and there is something really wrong with you for not doing it the way I think you should be doing it. I am going to try to make you feel guilty enough to give me what I want.”

If we don’t get onto the Drama Triangle, there is no drama. There is simply a renegotiating of expectations and moving forward under a new and updated agreement. Or, the agreement might be that we don’t go forward together but rather move in different directions. Either way, the result is healthier than making decisions and acting while still emotionally stuck in the Drama Triangle.

If we make decisions because we feel attacked and shamed, then we will resent the other person in the relationship. If we decide to quit a relationship while angry or feeling victimized without communicating clearly what we want instead, we risk ending things prematurely and recreating the dynamics with someone new. We miss out on the lesson underneath what the distress is all about, a lesson that makes us stronger and more cognizant of our own unhealthy patterns.

I have organized my work and personal life so that I have fewer and fewer interactions with people who use the Drama Triangle as a way of doing business with others. If we create an environment in Circles USA that reinforces direct and respectful communication and extend that into all of our professional and personal relationships, it can become second nature to simply say “no” when the invitation to play in the Drama Triangle shows up next.

While stepping out of the Drama Triangle may necessitate leaving some friends behind, the relationships you consciously choose to keep will be of a higher quality, which creates more stability in the long run.

From the book: Enough Money, Meaning & Friends ~ By Scott C. Miller

To learn more about Scott Miller, please see his website here.

“Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit.” – Aristotle

Harvard’s Happiness Research Points to Quality Relationships

An 80-year longitudinal study by Harvard revealed just how important caring relationships are for health and happiness. “Good relationships don’t just protect our bodies; they protect our brains,” Harvard researcher Robert Waldinger said in his TED talk.

A University of Kansas report published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships by associate professor of communication studies Jeffrey Hall states that it takes roughly 50 hours of time together to move from mere acquaintance to casual friend, 90 hours to go from that stage to simple “friend” status, and more than 200 hours before you can consider someone a close friend.

Close friends provide us with an emotional immunization from some of the suffering in life that we might experience otherwise. A good friend can give us comfort, guidance, perspective, and resources when we need it the most. Investing some of our 112 waking hours a week in developing and sustaining close friendships is time well spent. When we have enough friends, our sense of belonging is satisfied and we are happier.

A national survey of adults 45 and older conducted by AARP Research revealed that one in three people are lonely. The percent jumps to one in two if their income is less than $25,000 a year. The report also cited health studies that put loneliness in the same risk category as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. For many, this loneliness comes with social isolation—lonely people simply do not have enough structured activity in which to engage with others. We, humans, have a tendency to keep this loneliness in our lives with more than 40% reporting that their loneliness has lasted more than six years.

How much friendship is enough for each of us is a very individual determination, but on average, people who reported in the AARP study that they are not lonely have 8.2 people who have been supportive in the previous year, compared to 4.3 people for the lonely group. When asked how many people they discuss matters of personal importance, the not-lonely group said 4.0, and the lonely group said 2.1.

Like money, the number of good relationships we need to be happy is probably less than we might think. While the brain might be able to handle up to 150 relationships at a time, those whom we really call friends are few indeed. A study by Robin Dunbar, an evolutionary psychologist at Oxford, shows that the average person does not have time for more than five close friends at a time. If you are in a committed relationship, the number may be smaller. Her research shows that you can be happy with just one close friend.

From the book: Enough Money, Meaning & Friends ~ By Scott C. Miller

To learn more about Scott Miller, please see his website here.

The call to adventure, as described by Joseph Campbell, the well-known mythologist, professor, and lecturer, is always characterized by the invitation to leave the known and enter into the unknown. It is a tale of two mindsets. For some period of time, we contemplate whether we are going to accept the call. We have one foot in the old mindset, and we try to dip the toe of our other foot into the unknown. The problem is, we can’t keep a foot in both worlds for very long. If we truly want to have the new experience, we must answer the call and put both feet into the unknown. Follow the yellow brick road, Dorothy.

The call to adventure that I am personally hearing is to change my thinking about money, leaving behind the past four decades of assumptions and habits. It is time for me to let go of many of them and become my own personal scientist, finding ways to increase my sense of community and deepen my purpose. What does it feel like to volunteer more often? To really take the time to study music, art, food, photography, and history? To have more time to smell the roses? To say no to money-making opportunities that seem outside of my purpose or values?

As in every call to adventure, we spend some amount of time and energy refusing it. For me this evening, I had a case of the “what-ifs.”

• What if I retire too soon, and we run out of money, and I have to re-enter the work world at a lower rate per hour than I can earn now?
• What if the agency that I have been leading for two decades can’t handle my working fewer hours and then things collapse?
• What if the next generation of organizational leaders do things in ways that are at odds with my approach?
• What if I retire and get bored and depressed with too much free time and not enough structure? Also, that’s my wife Jan’s main worry about my next chapter of life.
• What if I keep overworking and have less energy to address lifestyle changes I want to make with eating, exercise, connecting with others, volunteering, and studies?
• What if I continue working full time, the great opportunities keep coming, and I am once again stressed out with too much travel, thinking, and complexity?

I shared these feelings with Jan, and she encouraged me to challenge them by asking if my concerns were real. When I wrote down my fears, the worries subsided. It is important to note that six months later after writing these worries down on paper, none of them are a concern today.

While it was tempting to get back into more work that felt familiar to me, I knew I would be happier following the call to adventure into the uncharted waters of an unknown world. The happier I could be, the more likely I was to make a new and significant contribution to others. By listening to my heart rather than my head, I left the known, which is no longer in alignment for me, and entered the unknown.

The tale of two mindsets ends when we finally answer the call. Assistance has come from outside of ourselves in some manner–often through one of our allies—those who tell us the truth about what they are hearing us say we want to do. As allies, they challenge the rationalizations that keep us clinging to the known. They encourage us to let go and step into the new world.

Our society places an unwarranted premium on making money. Millions of ads over our lifetime have told us that we should make lots of money and buy from an endless catalog of stuff we don’t need. Our sense of reality has been largely shaped around habits of consuming things. But for those of us who are tired of chasing more money and more stuff, a new world awaits. That world is rich in meaning and friendship and guided by a more modest standard of living, a standard that requires far less money than what we think we need to achieve a better version of the American Dream. This is the new mindset that can change the world.

From the book: Enough Money, Meaning & Friends ~ By Scott C. Miller

To learn more about Scott Miller, please see his website here.

How Do You Feel?

We feel good when we are “in the flow.” We are doing what we want, and our attention is fully engaged. We are doing something that doesn’t generate anxiety from being in over our heads or that gives us a sense of ennui from being bored or adrift. We have a mission, and we are engaged in it enough to give us an overall feeling of well-being. We have enough meaning to be happy.

Ennui (not enough) ——————Flow—————-Anxiety (too much)

We can pursue a simple organization of our mission and objectives to help structure our attention, so we stay in the flow, often referred to as being in the zone.

• What is my life purpose?

Mine is to inspire and equip myself and others to be happy and thrive. What is yours?

• What is my purpose for this period in my life?

For this year, I am focused on establishing enjoyable new rhythms in my week. What is yours?

• What is the daily objective that will help me achieve my life purpose?

One of mine is to focus on doing one thing at a time and kick the habit of multi-tasking. What is yours?

Anxiety and ennui are guardrails on the path of purpose. When we take on too much, we can generate fear and anxiety. Delaying action that serves our life’s purpose will generate feelings of ennui. Finding the sweet spot between the two creates a wonderful sense of flow that comes from engaging in whatever is the meaningful activity to us.

Getting on with One’s Purpose

Years ago when I considered going back to graduate school, I asked my friend Dr. Steve what he thought about my idea. He asked me if, when talking to the many Ph.D.’s I had interacted with during my career, had I ever found myself not understanding what they were talking about as it related to my field? I had to admit that had never happened. He said getting that kind of degree involves a lot of work and that unless I had a burning desire for it, maybe I should skip it. Great advice! I decided I would work closely with people who had Ph.D.’s but did not need to fit the round peg of my personality into the square hole of academia.

Of course, I salute my friends and colleagues who got their Ph.D. and now use it to pursue their careers and personal mission. They are accomplishing what they set out to do. Certainly, higher education degrees are necessary for many strategic and technically complex jobs. However, there are a million and one excuses we can give ourselves about waiting to make our unique contribution to the world. It’s important to tune into one’s heart and ask these questions: Am I ready right now to passionately chase my life’s dream? If so, then what is the next step? If not, why not?

By tuning in to our hearts, and talking with others for perspective, we can better discern whether more education, apprenticeships, preparation, time, or something else is required before we get on with the next chapter of our lives. The world needs inspired leadership now. The more of us who get on with it, the better chance we all have of sustaining our future for the next generations to come.

From the book: Enough Money, Meaning & Friends ~ By Scott C. Miller

To learn more about Scott Miller, please see his website here.

• Reflect on being financially independent
• Track expenses for 30 days
• Brainstorm ideas for increasing your nest egg
• Brainstorm ideas to declutter and simplify your life by dropping or reducing expenses
• Set your money goals and define your circle of allies

Three Tools for Success in Becoming Financially Independent

1. Goal Setting and Structure

Without a plan of action, you will achieve little. By creating a game plan for success, you establish a path, and the steps are clear. All that is required is a focus, the support that is provided by your circle of allies, and the desire and perseverance that can come only from you.

The structure is what keeps you on track, especially during times of challenge and discouragement. When the inevitable stumbling blocks appear, you must not only continue to put one foot in front of the other, you also have to know which foot goes first.

2. Circles of Support and Accountability

Without a supportive community, a person can become isolated, lonely, and discouraged. By surrounding yourself with allies — family members, friends, helpers, and colleagues who are willing and eager to see you succeed, the path to balance becomes joyful and easier. Your commitments to action are only as good as the actual work you do.

Your chances for accomplishing this work are increased significantly by having someone hold you accountable, check-in with you to find out what progress you are making, and offer a level of encouragement that is difficult to achieve on your own.

3. Reality Test

Each individual must operate from a high level of certainty and acceptance that the goal is achievable and worthwhile. Until you truly believe in your goal, the necessary passion and motivation required for success are missing. Can you believe in your own new reality?

From the book: Enough Money, Meaning & Friends ~ By Scott C. Miller

To learn more about Scott Miller, please see his website here.