Belonging Without Knowing
- 22 hours ago
- 7 min read
In this monthly blog series, Circles USA Chief Learning Officer Kris Alexander shares insights on her learning journey, sources of inspiration, and what excites her about her work. The column offers a behind-the-scenes perspective on the learning curve that drives growth and progress at CUSA as we continually deepen and enhance our mission of building community to end poverty.
Imagine With Me:
It’s Circles® night. You are headed to a chapter’s weekly meeting for the first time. Pulling into the parking lot in your Mercedes, you notice that the cars around you range from 20+ year Toyotas and Hondas to brand new Hyundais and Lexuses and everything in between. You naturally begin to assume who drives which vehicles, identifying the older cars as Circle Leaders’ and the newer, high-end models as Allies’ and volunteers’.
You enter the meeting space and are immediately greeted by a pleasant man who helps you get a nametag and invites you to get some dinner, served by a church group. You look around at all the tables of people chatting with one another, unsure where to sit. Where do volunteers go? Who are the Circle Leaders and who are the Allies? There seems to be no rhyme or reason to who is sitting with whom, and it is confusing. A woman notices you standing there and calls you over, “We have a seat right here!” Relieved, you take a seat and introduce yourself, telling everyone that you are thinking about becoming a volunteer. They respond with their names, but they don’t tell you their roles in Circles. Because no one said that you were in the wrong group, you assume you must be at a table of volunteers and Allies. You relax slightly and begin to eat...
Our Neurobiology
Our brains love to categorize. We want to know who goes where, who we fit in with, what to expect, and where we belong. These categorizations are designed to simplify a complex world, save mental energy, and predict behavior. But the problem is we really can’t know someone just by knowing one or two aspects of their identity. When we try, what we end up doing is stereotyping other people based on the assumed behaviors and traits of the whole, missing out on incredible opportunities for connection because of our need to simplify. This tendency is incredibly damaging.
The Problem With Stereotyping
There are many myths about poverty and income class that well-intentioned individuals inadvertently spread and believe.
For example, “all people experiencing poverty wear dirty clothes and don’t take care of their personal hygiene.” This stereotype, which equates “poor” with “unclean” is not only wrong, but it does a lot of harm. It means that factors such as mental health, unsafe home situations, or lack of access to utilities or hygiene products are often overlooked, perpetuating systems of neglect and marginalization. Discrimination isn’t always readily apparent, but avoiding someone because we believe they “choose” to live this way is still an action based in prejudice. Plus, I know plenty of middle- and upper-income folks who struggle with the day-to-day chores of tidiness!
Another damaging stereotype about those in poverty is that “they” are “lazy” and “choose to stay where they are” economically so they don’t have to work. The reality is that most people in poverty work one—sometimes two or three—jobs trying to make ends meet. Overwhelmingly, the people receiving government assistance who don’t work are children, elderly folks, and those with disabilities. This bias impacts our interactions with others by assuming anyone who doesn’t work during “typical” work hours (Monday-Friday, 8-5) are lazy, or maybe that the drive-thru worker who yawns while telling you your total doesn’t care about customer service, rather than the understandable exhaustion that comes with struggling to make ends meet.
Erasing Barriers
When we try to categorize individuals in Circles by their economic status or income level, we are reducing them to the stereotypes we have been taught and continue to carry about poverty and wealth.
This is exactly what Circles seeks to erase. We bring people together across lines of difference to end poverty. And you know what makes that goal easier? Removing the barriers we have built over the lines and shifting them into an opportunity to meet one another as humans, breaking bread together and connecting.
Back to Our Imaginary Scenario:
You finish eating with your new Circles chapter. You have spent the entire dinner laughing along with them, buoyed by the antics of one lady who could absolutely have a career as a comedian. You relate to everything she said about parenting, having two children yourself. As you laugh and joke with the group, you notice there was another person sitting at your table who was silent the entire meal, barely eating their dinner, and quietly giggling to themselves at some of the funnier jokes. They seem overwhelmed, like they don’t quite fit in. You wonder if maybe they are a Circle Leader who accidentally sat at the wrong table.
After the announcements, the Trainer invites the current cohort of Circle Leader trainees to a separate room to continue training. You are shocked when several of the individuals you were sitting with join them, including the budding comedian. You are also surprised that the quiet individual you noticed didn’t leave. When there are only a couple people left at your table, they lean over to you and whisper, “It’s my first time too. I am really shy and everyone seemed like they knew each other so well.” This admission unlocks something in you, and you look around, realizing that every single individual in Circles has a full and vibrant life that you want to be a part of, if only once a week.
You are excited to come back and get to spend more time with the community. You had no idea you could relate so well to people unlike you, not only those in poverty but also those who aren’t comfortable in new situations. You have always assumed that you wouldn’t be able to relate to people vastly different from you, and haven’t made pursuing relationships outside of your social and political class a priority. Your stereotypes about who Circle Leaders are versus staff and volunteers simply didn’t hold up when you were in a situation where you got to know individuals on a human level. This realization immediately begins to break down the narrative you think and tell around poverty. You commit to volunteering at Circles, realizing there is much more you have to learn from everyone there.
Building Community Where All Can Belong
Circles is ending poverty by building community. Not a community solely of like-minded people who have everything in common, but rather a community where anyone can belong. Where everyone comes together with a shared vision: a world where poverty no longer exists. When everyone in the room has the same purpose, many of the barriers and lines that keep people divided fall away. None of those things that seem so important outside of Circles matter nearly as much. Identities like political affiliation, religious beliefs, income levels, careers, neighborhoods, age, race, sexuality, gender, ability/disability don’t disappear; however, they begin to fade into the background as we come together as humanity in community.
This doesn’t suggest that Circles chapters are mini-utopias in the midst of society. Differences mean that there will be discomfort, disagreements, and even conflicts. The stereotypes, assumptions, and biases don’t immediately disappear when we are working together toward a common vision. We all have hard work to do individually and collectively to ensure those who are marginalized and oppressed can belong safely. However, the transformational relationships that Circles chapters cultivate create a framework where it is easier to find common ground, learn from one another, and move past disagreements and conflicts. The power of community supports our choice of relationship and vision over argument and discord.
At Our Imaginary Circles Meeting
At the end of the night, you go out to your car and call your spouse. As you are telling them about your evening, you notice a person who went with the Circle Leader cohort get into a Lexus, and the shy new volunteer walks over to one of the older model Toyotas. Shaking your head, you realize that your stereotyping began even before you entered the meeting.
When you receive an email the next morning from a Circles staff member asking what you thought and if you would like to return, you immediately say yes. You aren’t sure what your role will be, but you know there is a place for you in the community and you are excited for your kids to make new friends and dispel these myths and stereotypes before they even form.
Belonging at Circles®
Our one common identity, human, is your ticket into Circles. Even individuals not in a place to be an Ally or Circle Leader are welcome as volunteers; there are so many opportunities for service that anyone can find their place. In fact, being human may not even need to be an identifying factor. At Circles Jackson County, NC, Calli the dog is an integral member of the chapter, beloved by all.
It may feel uncomfortable or just a little weird to come into a space that seems like it should be segregated by group—Circle Leaders, Allies, staff, volunteers—and isn’t. But really, this commitment to cross lines of difference and create transformational relationships is the best part of Circles, the part that keeps folks coming back, and what will truly be the end of poverty for all.
Read more from Kris on her monthly Circles USA blog, The Learning Curve Chronicles:
Building Community to End Poverty for 25+ Years
